Saved

I wish I could believe that God loves me unconditionally the way that my six-year-olds do after loving me a week. The way that they love you no matter what clothes you threw on that day or even if you brushed your hair. They think that everything you do is great and they get excited when they find out that they live nearby you. You almost don't think that it's genuine because they are so effusive, even my second graders from last year. I want to believe that God rejoices in me the same way that they do, but most of the time I can't imagine why he would. Or how He could do that for everyone, but love me uniquely because I am who I am. For Meg Garner, not putting me into the "vacillator" box, as Maggie said.
Watching the movie Saved, I realized that there are some things about Christianity that make me despise that part of me. How we can manipulate God to do certain things and how we can use Him to explain away our own issues. The ultimate message is one of grace, which I can take away- grace within their relationships with each other and from God. Mary doesn't understand how God could somehow tell her to have sex with Dean and then get pregnant. I don't understand how God really has the best for me, ie I don't want to trust Him most of the time. I worry that my plans will never happen. I can just barely make out how God has provided for me in the past-sometimes I can see it, feel it, I did in Africa. Other times, I feel distant- I don't know where God is in me going back to school, where He is in all of that. I'm feeling silly that I will work hard for two years and only have a teaching credential, not a master's degree. At the same time, I'm realizing what an honor being a teacher is and how I'm not ready for it yet.
I want to understand that people are telling me things for a reason, that I don't have to get it right then or take immediate action, that I can let their thoughts sink in and process through them later. I don't want to deflect positive comments or constructive criticism.
Ultimately, I want my identity to be in the fact that I'm saved, not that I'm a teacher, student, good friend, loved by people.