Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Constructivism

I don't think anyone taught me how to make meaning for myself as a child growing up in Pennsylvania public schools.

Day equals meowing cats, I mean, kids. Them acting like chickens and losing myself laughing in front of all of them. Reading the Red Balloon in French and trying to make them listen. Seeing a first grader understand suffering in Africa so that they write "Hope you don't get sick and die" on a dedication for a book that will be sent there.

All this to say, I'm trying to help them in the course of them figuring it out. And I'm lucky I'm along for the ride- even if it involves MUNI bus rides that don't get you where you need to get you on time and pasta from Trader Joe's heated up at the end of the day in a Pyrex.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Life is too short

To play the victim
To be scared about every decision I have to make
To worry about not being where I want to be right now
To clench tightly to my expectations, relationships
To feel sorry for myself all of the time

It's time to see the "golden nuggets" as Claud says...

That my kids at school have collected over 1,000 books for kids in Africa
That I finished spring semester, halfway through my credential program
That my mom is just as/even more excited to go to Africa this summer
That I have almost 700 friends on Facebook, which definitely makes up for the fact that two of the bestest have just moved away (not really)
That there are people in my life who do care about me, value my feelings, defend me in conversation, share my need for being loved
That there is a God who wants to listen to me, love me, cherish me, pursue me
That a stolen bike means a hip, new road bike to ride around the city
That I made it through the last two weeks, hopeful I'm on the up and up

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I made it through last week...

A week of a 26th birthday. Feeling loved all day and not letting the "fragile" self emerge. Sharing drinks with 18 of my closest classmates. Being taken to brunch with a best friend. Celebrating with 80 6-year-olds all week long.

A best friend moving away, with another one to follow this week.

A dress-sewing party for Africa (and re-learning how to sew in the process).

Two final projects to be turned in.

Leading four classes of 20 first-graders by myself and growing in the process.

Talking to kids' parents about my passion for Africa over beers.

Seeing an empty room, closet, and shower shelf- being my myself in the apartment all weekend.

Sharing breakfast at Ella's.

Being mature in my outlook about relationships with boys.

Finding out I'll be teaching special ed this summer in SFUSD.

Choosing to take care of myself and sleep for 13 hours in a 24 hour period, even if I would be disappointing other people.

If I made it through last week, I can make it through anything. I may still cry and mourn the moving of my friends from San Francisco, teaching will still be hard for a while, but I feel things deeply and that's okay. I don't need to explain myself to anyone right now.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Babies and co.

I just saw this movie, BABIES, with my friend Robin.
Four babies, four locations, four different lives:
Namibia
Mongolia
Tokyo, Japan
San Francisco, CA
I have to admit, the Sufjan Stevens music trailer, got me in the early stages- even though most of the time, I'm fearful of babies and don't go crazy over them.
French director, of course- no narration, just life being lived.
There were parts that were hard to watch, moments that made me squirm, but also ones that made me laugh. I don't think, in fact I know, I'm not ready for motherhood- but there is this incredible bond shared by parents and children worldwide, regardless of socioeconomic status or location.
Moments that made me think that we completely overcompensate with our children here in the United States (myself included), when those in third world countries have more independence and seem the most content.
But another film in the previews got me going too- all about educational reform, Waiting for Superman. Yet another confirmation that I do want to be doing what I do, in hopes of somehow affecting change. I already found the website and pledged to save our schools by pledging to see the film.
So, here I go tomorrow, trying to save my classroom and starting to try to bridge the gap between first and third world children. Wish me luck...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I did it

Today could have been one of those days that easily could have fallen apart at the seams.
I stayed up late last night, wondering why I hadn't worked on my final math presentation sooner.

I had to take 40 kids on a field trip today and was in charge of getting them across the city and back on MUNI (without talking to strangers!), communicating with parents, catching windy papers, organizing the day.

I don't know how I'm going to be in such a responsible position most of the time, but somehow I do it.

I did my presentation, my friend said I looked like I felt comfortable in front of the class. I didn't completely lose my train of thought and freeze up in anxiety.

I tutored a reluctant French speaker into learning English through a small bribe of counting to 1-100 with M&Ms.

I made it everywhere I (and the kids traveling across the city) needed to be, on time.

I confronted a potentially volatile situation at school with a neutral attitude, not taking sides.

I might have left my second lost water bottle of the week at school, been humbled by my ability to climb up the hill of Fulton St on my bike, forgotten to eat lunch, still not been able to upload videos to websites, come to terms with the fact that I'm single for what seems to be a while right now, and above all realized that my real problem is a low view I have towards God.

But part of being twenty-six a week from today (almost to the minute, East Coast time), is realizing that I'm okay. What I feel isn't always necessarily true. I may not be able to choose how I react to situations, but I can choose to what degree I let them affect me (all of these insights thanks to MR and her overflowing joys).

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I may not be able to receive affirmations well, but today I can, after the fact. Watching the video of the camping trip that my friends threw me, Megfest complete with my favorite songs and affirmations. I have a hard time in the moment, believing everything, taking it all in... knowing that I'm loved as much as my friends say.
I feel like the luckiest person in the world, I really do.
Special thanks to Robin and Nick for pulling this off, truly.