Lenten resolution

I've been remiss in blogging lately on my path to self-discovery, but reflection is partly about experiencing things whole-heartedly and then looking back on them after the fact.

GL-inda

I dressed up as Glinda for Halloween this past year... thinking that of course, it was a nice and friendly image to portray to six-year olds. I had seen Wicked and I knew of Glinda's duality and hidden motives. Somehow seeing the Broadway production the other night made me feel like I can easily embody her character. I want everyone to think of me as the "Good witch", popular, and the one who the charming male lead falls for. I find myself wondering how much of her people-pleasing tendencies do I possess, I want to be that person that encourages others, often disregarding the truth.
I would much rather be Elphaba, green skin and all, confident in herself and her capabilities despite her circumstance. Nothing can bring her down. Glinda can't cope with her friend's exuding confidence, all she can must is "I hope you're happy." When push comes to shove, she can't stand up for her friend and admit their friendship, she would rather become the public figure for Oz to bring people together in the midst of tragedy.
Do I want to be the artist, teacher, hipster/bohemian, City-Church goer that I've become since moving to the city? Does it matter that I won't always fit in, my green skin brightly emanating?
Why didn't I feel comfortable in the financial district during daylight hours, why don't I thrive in the Mission late at night? I want to be noticed, yet at the same time blend in. I want to be known at my school, yet it's hard for me to walk to school each day and be greeted like a celebrity by six-year-olds.
All I can hope for is to somehow defy gravity with the same fervor as Elphaba pronounces:

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo,
At least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me,
Take a message back from me:
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity!
I'm flying high,
Defying gravity!
And soon I'll match them in renown.
And nobody in, all of Oz.
No Wizard that there is or was.
Is ever gonna bring me down

Feeling loved

I just got a rice krispie treat heart, with a smiley face on it, from my roommate. It was the act of thinking about someone else and doing something genuine that made me feel like I was important enough for someone to bake for me and write me a card. All week long, I struggled with thinking that I was important enough for someone to care: would my friends come to the re-Imagine art show?, would the kids remember to give a Valentine to their English teaching assistant?, would I feel alone and vulnerable on Valentine's Day?
I didn't feel unlovable from any of the situations. My exposed self came to fruition at the art show, when I was able to be vulnerable in front of an audience of supporters. From the minute that I arrived at the church on Friday, my frazzled, sugar-high, strung out self became someone that could pull herself together. I tried not to dwell on who would come to the show or what I was wearing or how my work measured up to the other's there. Rather, I enjoyed the company of those around me and the overall ambiance. I always find myself doubting motives of other people and thinking that I've let them down in some way; for example, did the brunch place where I took everyone after church meet everyone's expectations?
Yesterday, I shared the day with friends, some new and old. Throughout the day, I felt like I could be myself and did not for a minute think, "Gosh, I wish that I have someone doting on me today." Their love, and God's, for once, was enough.
And yet, I have a hard time believing that others love me and accept me regardless of my actions. Today felt like I had to win the approval of my friends. Maybe after a good day always comes a day when I question my own happiness and source of contentment.
I'm grappling with what to do with my time and energy this next week that I have off. I feel lost, without direction, but more than anything, I want to figure out more ways that I can love myself, love others, feel God's love and that of others. It's not about getting done all of the things that I have written down on my to-do list to accomplish before Friday. It's more about letting myself control the days and the time that I have set before me. Feeling inspired, rested, energized, and loved.

Anticipatory expectation

Expectations define my daily life, I've now figured that out. I don't know how to live without expecting that something will happen, be it the morning recess, meeting a friend for lunch in the park, or making plans post-5:30. I place certain expectations on myself, that I have to accomplish certain things in a day, but they are also imposed on me by society and by others around me. So much so that I can't juggle or recognize all of the different directions in which I'm being pulled. I've become so accustomed to putting these expectations before my own that I have a hard time figuring out what I want, what I expect, what I need to do at this very moment. Obviously, I have certain obligations on a daily basis and a classroom of 18 six-year-olds cannot feasibly function without me. But, I don't know how to flip the on switch to the off one, such that I can relax and enjoy the moment. I've always been a pervasive worrier, anxiously anticipating what's coming next. I remember being 13, pacing back and forth at the window overlooking the driveway, thinking about the fact that my mom was 15 minutes late. My mind would race to worst case scenarios; too many made-for-TV movies led me to believe that she had been in a car crash, that I would be in a way orphaned.
But, today was the first time that I felt thankful for the holding pattern in which I find myself right now. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 6 months or so; even though the outcome may be dismal, Berkeley does not define my self-worth. I'm learning to listen to that still, quiet voice inside that allows self-confidence to resonate. God doesn't love me on a conditional basis, if I do or don't wake up and read my bible and pray today. I'm trying to view my self-worth in the same vein, giving myself grace to fail each day and disappoint my own and others' expectations.

Head lice

So many important things happened today that I feel like I can't even keep track... I came to one of those cathartic moments today when I realized that almost 24 years of my life, I have been living for other people and not for myself. If I live for other people and constantly hold myself to their expectations, then I am setting myself up for being disappointed and pulled in five million different directions. I can't even meet the complex set of expectations that I've set before myself: that I should be perky all the time, never affected by others, seamlessly transitioning from one thing to the next. Most often than not, I'm a broken mess who has various emotional ups and downs, deeply hurts and feels for others, and cannot transition easily from one thing to another.

Not only did I confront the lice in the first graders' hair, but I confronted the lice in my own (not literally of course). I visited my own "Hair Fairy" today when I realized how much of my self-worth I have invested in other things and other people. If only I look really nice today and have this new pair of boots, then I'm sure to have a boyfriend. If only I'm on time and organized, then people will think that I can actually handle my job.

Amidst leading forty kids up the stairs and wrecking one set of parents' dream for their child, I felt more in control of my life than I have in a while. So much so that when I saw Alex on Haight Street after work that I didn't stop to talk to him. We established eye contact but never reciprocated by acknowledging each other. I stood for about ten minutes outside of Shoe Biz, where I saw him enter into, on the phone with my friend Katie while trying to determine my next move.

She changed subjects while on the phone, but my mind still wandered to the What Ifs of the current situation. If I engaged him in conversation, I'm sure that I subconsciously would have tried to prove that somehow I was thriving in my current job, application to grad school, etc, etc. What would I actually gain from that experience? I'm sure later on that I would feel my shallow and hollow representation of self that I was set on portraying.

I felt pretty unstable and as though I was unraveling for the fifteen or so minutes after I decided to actually get on the bus and move from where I was standing, glued outside of Positively Haight on the corner of Haight and Masonic. I did feel some remorse in thinking that I could actually have communicated and healed from someone who had done me wrong. I can't help but feel like most people are trying to do the same, take advantage of me in some way. For some reason, I feel it more from some than others, maybe those that I'm closest to. I would rather shed my vulnerability with complete strangers in my Re-Imagine class than with my closest friends. I would rather withdraw and pick up my belongings and move across the bridge, the street, or the country than deal with confrontations and hurts in my own backyard.

I'm sure that today was more symbolic than I can even comprehend at this very moment. It still seems unreal, all that I come in contact with, over a 12-14 hour span. I can only hope that tomorrow the lice will be fewer and the eggs will not have multiplied overnight.