I just finished my first paper of my life post college. Well finished... I'll never actually be done. That's part of the problem with me being unable to finish a painting or leave the classroom: there's always something more that can be done. I remember nights spent in college when I couldn't leave the computer lab until the wee hours of the morning, until I read over the paper one more time. I couldn't just say, "I'm done with it, I'm finished, it's now out of my hands." I'd rather spend the time until I got my grade back worrying and anxiously formulating what I had mistakenly analyzed.
I'm attempting to let go of this, to heal myself from certain expectations I placed upon myself while an undergraduate. Some of these ideas weren't healthy for me or my mind. As I start on this new adventure, I'm excited to see what learnings I can undo and renew.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Things I don't want to forget
as my mind overflows with information like students' names, how I can get from point A to point B on my bike, there are certain things that I want to remember about this time in my life...
Like I contemplate life on the way home from Oakland on Tuesday nights driving back over the Bay Bridge and seeing the city all lit up.
Like the entire K-5 population of my public school in SOMA where I'm student teaching shouted "Going to college!" after being asked "What are you going to do when you grow up?" or the one girl in my fifth grade class whipping around her hair extension (I made her throw it in the trash).
Like I locked myself out of the house today, after not being able to find my keys this morning (they were in the basket by the door where I left them).
Like I combined two works punctuation and sanctuary to make the word PUNCTUARY. One of my classmates told me that was such a Meg moment, it was.
Like I contemplate life on the way home from Oakland on Tuesday nights driving back over the Bay Bridge and seeing the city all lit up.
Like the entire K-5 population of my public school in SOMA where I'm student teaching shouted "Going to college!" after being asked "What are you going to do when you grow up?" or the one girl in my fifth grade class whipping around her hair extension (I made her throw it in the trash).
Like I locked myself out of the house today, after not being able to find my keys this morning (they were in the basket by the door where I left them).
Like I combined two works punctuation and sanctuary to make the word PUNCTUARY. One of my classmates told me that was such a Meg moment, it was.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Merried
Yesterday was the first time that I knew a bride and groom, their families, the pastor, and most of the bridesmaids, groomsmen. It made it all the more powerful to see such a momentous occasion take place having seen the process firsthand and God's provision in both the bride and groom's life.
I got choked up hearing Karl Digerness play "Fairest Lord Jesus," reminding me of San Francisco's own Sufjan Stevens. I got to have two lovely dates, Dan and Skylar, looking out for me, as well as great friends and roommates to share the event with. Pryor and I were the two remaining people on the dance floor.
Living in San Francisco can be like living in a dream sometimes; it doesn't seem real. What I have here I haven't experienced anywhere else. Yesterday was proof: two good friends joining together to serve each other. Never before had I heard that analogy used at a wedding, but it was the most selfless love I've seen.
As hopeless as I feel about dating here, I am excited to see what God is doing here and now in our community. Nathan plus Julie is evidence of that.
I got choked up hearing Karl Digerness play "Fairest Lord Jesus," reminding me of San Francisco's own Sufjan Stevens. I got to have two lovely dates, Dan and Skylar, looking out for me, as well as great friends and roommates to share the event with. Pryor and I were the two remaining people on the dance floor.
Living in San Francisco can be like living in a dream sometimes; it doesn't seem real. What I have here I haven't experienced anywhere else. Yesterday was proof: two good friends joining together to serve each other. Never before had I heard that analogy used at a wedding, but it was the most selfless love I've seen.
As hopeless as I feel about dating here, I am excited to see what God is doing here and now in our community. Nathan plus Julie is evidence of that.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Saved
I wish I could believe that God loves me unconditionally the way that my six-year-olds do after loving me a week. The way that they love you no matter what clothes you threw on that day or even if you brushed your hair. They think that everything you do is great and they get excited when they find out that they live nearby you. You almost don't think that it's genuine because they are so effusive, even my second graders from last year. I want to believe that God rejoices in me the same way that they do, but most of the time I can't imagine why he would. Or how He could do that for everyone, but love me uniquely because I am who I am. For Meg Garner, not putting me into the "vacillator" box, as Maggie said.
Watching the movie Saved, I realized that there are some things about Christianity that make me despise that part of me. How we can manipulate God to do certain things and how we can use Him to explain away our own issues. The ultimate message is one of grace, which I can take away- grace within their relationships with each other and from God. Mary doesn't understand how God could somehow tell her to have sex with Dean and then get pregnant. I don't understand how God really has the best for me, ie I don't want to trust Him most of the time. I worry that my plans will never happen. I can just barely make out how God has provided for me in the past-sometimes I can see it, feel it, I did in Africa. Other times, I feel distant- I don't know where God is in me going back to school, where He is in all of that. I'm feeling silly that I will work hard for two years and only have a teaching credential, not a master's degree. At the same time, I'm realizing what an honor being a teacher is and how I'm not ready for it yet.
I want to understand that people are telling me things for a reason, that I don't have to get it right then or take immediate action, that I can let their thoughts sink in and process through them later. I don't want to deflect positive comments or constructive criticism.
Ultimately, I want my identity to be in the fact that I'm saved, not that I'm a teacher, student, good friend, loved by people.
Watching the movie Saved, I realized that there are some things about Christianity that make me despise that part of me. How we can manipulate God to do certain things and how we can use Him to explain away our own issues. The ultimate message is one of grace, which I can take away- grace within their relationships with each other and from God. Mary doesn't understand how God could somehow tell her to have sex with Dean and then get pregnant. I don't understand how God really has the best for me, ie I don't want to trust Him most of the time. I worry that my plans will never happen. I can just barely make out how God has provided for me in the past-sometimes I can see it, feel it, I did in Africa. Other times, I feel distant- I don't know where God is in me going back to school, where He is in all of that. I'm feeling silly that I will work hard for two years and only have a teaching credential, not a master's degree. At the same time, I'm realizing what an honor being a teacher is and how I'm not ready for it yet.
I want to understand that people are telling me things for a reason, that I don't have to get it right then or take immediate action, that I can let their thoughts sink in and process through them later. I don't want to deflect positive comments or constructive criticism.
Ultimately, I want my identity to be in the fact that I'm saved, not that I'm a teacher, student, good friend, loved by people.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Debriefing
I had forgotten about how I felt in Africa, how I knew that I had to depend on God, until seeing Maggie's Sudan presentation today. A wave of emotion swept over me, tears ran down my cheeks as I saw the cherubic faces of Sudanese children, orphans.
I let last week, with its mounting assignments, classroom aspirations, and larger-than-life expectation, overwhelm me. I couldn't connect with people because I was frustrated with myself. I couldn't go to sleep because I was anxious. I couldn't be alone because I didn't know how to dig myself out of the hole I had started to dig myself into. I found ways to be sorry for myself, things beyond my control, even if they didn't exist. Everything became an enabler for self-pity.
I needed my friend to confront me today about how I was making her feel, to take charge of my assignments and get my readings done. Everyday, I'm learning more and more how to surrender what I think my life should be, what the world wants me to live for. It's better with God- He took me to Africa, He's brought me back to painting, He's provided me with a wonderful community. He's even using me to reach the middle schoolers of the city. I don't need to sit around, wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing, for not getting my teaching credential sooner or liking boys who I think like me back.
It's been almost two months since Africa, here I am still wondering, "What's next?" Africa came back to me this week in the form of a call from Hope4Kids, an encouragement about my art, and a facebook message from a dear friend. I have to surrender, let go, trust God with what He has for me tomorrow, the day after that, and the day after that.
I let last week, with its mounting assignments, classroom aspirations, and larger-than-life expectation, overwhelm me. I couldn't connect with people because I was frustrated with myself. I couldn't go to sleep because I was anxious. I couldn't be alone because I didn't know how to dig myself out of the hole I had started to dig myself into. I found ways to be sorry for myself, things beyond my control, even if they didn't exist. Everything became an enabler for self-pity.
I needed my friend to confront me today about how I was making her feel, to take charge of my assignments and get my readings done. Everyday, I'm learning more and more how to surrender what I think my life should be, what the world wants me to live for. It's better with God- He took me to Africa, He's brought me back to painting, He's provided me with a wonderful community. He's even using me to reach the middle schoolers of the city. I don't need to sit around, wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing, for not getting my teaching credential sooner or liking boys who I think like me back.
It's been almost two months since Africa, here I am still wondering, "What's next?" Africa came back to me this week in the form of a call from Hope4Kids, an encouragement about my art, and a facebook message from a dear friend. I have to surrender, let go, trust God with what He has for me tomorrow, the day after that, and the day after that.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
GLEEful
I want to be glee-ful, not just because I watched the TV show right now. But because I have the opportunity to further my education, help other people with my gifts, and share my life with other people. I have a huge easel in my room now, with a painting on it, that reminds me of what I'm working towards. My creativity has dramatically increased, although sometimes at the expense of procrastinating now that I'm back in school.
In this season of engagements, weddings, babies, and whirlwind romances, I want to be happy for my friends. I also want more than anything to be content with myself. I was alone more than I had been in a while over Labor Day weekend (even in my apartment). I did okay with the silence and the lag times. I even relished in it yesterday on a walk through the fog of the city at twilight.
Today, anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was the Blue Bottle coffee I had at lunch, my nagging urge to check my email throughout the day, or my insecurities about school resurfacing. I found myself alone after school, unsure of what to do next. I didn't have class to go to, I could rest and be content. I couldn't, I kept feeling like there was something I should be doing. I should finish my painting, work on this project, finish my reading, call this friend.
I've figured out that I look to the distractions to keep me from thinking about myself, when sometimes that's the very thing that I should be doing. I can more easily engage with other people, which will consume my head space. Rather, I prefer that than getting stuck in my own cement mixture of uncertain thoughts and relentless self-sabotage.
I don't need the external affirmation as much now, I can spend hours pouring over my books excited about what I'm learning, I can watch glee before bed and feel hopeful about the day to come (even though my school would never let us perform Push It in a school assembly).
In this season of engagements, weddings, babies, and whirlwind romances, I want to be happy for my friends. I also want more than anything to be content with myself. I was alone more than I had been in a while over Labor Day weekend (even in my apartment). I did okay with the silence and the lag times. I even relished in it yesterday on a walk through the fog of the city at twilight.
Today, anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was the Blue Bottle coffee I had at lunch, my nagging urge to check my email throughout the day, or my insecurities about school resurfacing. I found myself alone after school, unsure of what to do next. I didn't have class to go to, I could rest and be content. I couldn't, I kept feeling like there was something I should be doing. I should finish my painting, work on this project, finish my reading, call this friend.
I've figured out that I look to the distractions to keep me from thinking about myself, when sometimes that's the very thing that I should be doing. I can more easily engage with other people, which will consume my head space. Rather, I prefer that than getting stuck in my own cement mixture of uncertain thoughts and relentless self-sabotage.
I don't need the external affirmation as much now, I can spend hours pouring over my books excited about what I'm learning, I can watch glee before bed and feel hopeful about the day to come (even though my school would never let us perform Push It in a school assembly).
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I'll follow you into the dark
Rachael is blaring this song which always makes me nostalgic for college, France, early days in SF. I had a realization tonight that I don't know how to accept praise or affirmation, as much as I love it. I'm trying to believe the idea that I'm worthy of compliments, that other people love me. So far, I've come to terms with God's love for me and subsisting on that. It seems like every time I assume that other people are going to affirm me, I'm disappointed. I would rather not count on it than be heartbroken, craving something I'm never going to receive.
Dan, a close friend and YUTES leader, made me think about the way that I view myself. If I can't even believe what he tells me to be true, that I'm amazing, not necessarily worthy of being loved (because none of us are). I don't have to seek boys out, they will be lucky one day to come to me because of how great I am. In the society in which we live, in the times of failing in my attempts to have a relationship, in my life of running around from one thing to the next, I find having a relationship impossible. I don't even have enough time to check my email these days, let alone respond.
I tried to give up, surrender today, as I was sorting markers into organizers. I was frustrated with not feeling valued by the new teacher whose taken on Deirdre's maternity leave. Everything I did today she re-did in her own way. I spent too much of the school's money yesterday on supplies for the room. I missed the meeting for the first grade teachers because no one told me what time it was at. I struggled being neutral, not complaining, not being dramatic about my situation at school. I have a job, I like my classes which will enhance my work life. I am inspired by my classmates, who can understand where I'm coming from. I want to get to know them, to share our exhaustion and frustrations together.
This new schedule of class and school has me feeling overwhelmed, but it's given me less time to dwell on self-pity and negativity. I don't consider myself a writer, since I told the beatniks tonight at the Divisadero Art Walk that I didn't think I could write the first line of a story for others to continue. It helps me process things, once again feel the twinges of the feelings I had while writing that post. Live in the now, even if I am headed to the darkness.
Dan, a close friend and YUTES leader, made me think about the way that I view myself. If I can't even believe what he tells me to be true, that I'm amazing, not necessarily worthy of being loved (because none of us are). I don't have to seek boys out, they will be lucky one day to come to me because of how great I am. In the society in which we live, in the times of failing in my attempts to have a relationship, in my life of running around from one thing to the next, I find having a relationship impossible. I don't even have enough time to check my email these days, let alone respond.
I tried to give up, surrender today, as I was sorting markers into organizers. I was frustrated with not feeling valued by the new teacher whose taken on Deirdre's maternity leave. Everything I did today she re-did in her own way. I spent too much of the school's money yesterday on supplies for the room. I missed the meeting for the first grade teachers because no one told me what time it was at. I struggled being neutral, not complaining, not being dramatic about my situation at school. I have a job, I like my classes which will enhance my work life. I am inspired by my classmates, who can understand where I'm coming from. I want to get to know them, to share our exhaustion and frustrations together.
This new schedule of class and school has me feeling overwhelmed, but it's given me less time to dwell on self-pity and negativity. I don't consider myself a writer, since I told the beatniks tonight at the Divisadero Art Walk that I didn't think I could write the first line of a story for others to continue. It helps me process things, once again feel the twinges of the feelings I had while writing that post. Live in the now, even if I am headed to the darkness.
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