Thursday, December 31, 2009

NYE

I hate New Years, not that I hate it, it's just lots of expectation rolled up into one night that is never what I think it will be. But, I'll be around people I love and who I know care about me, even if there isn't someone there who I think wants to make out with me at midnight.

Anyways, I was inspired by my friend Emily's blog about what she did, a year in review of sorts. I'll try to think of all that I can remember from 2009, my first full year of blogging, living in my apartment, teaching at French-American, and working with middle schoolers and first time traveling to a developing country.

1/09- Interview at Berkeley, getting excited about other teaching programs in the Bay Area. An epic ski trip to Sugar Bowl (my first New Year's that I enjoyed myself) and bonding with the YUTES over a ski retreat/dance party.

2/09- Hopeful about new friends and relationships. The City Church retreat, feeling connected to others. Learning more about myself through a Reimagine workshop.

3/09- Not getting into Berkeley. Having great friends from high school visit to quelch my disappointment.

4/09- Going home for Easter, spending time with friends in New York from high school and college. Seeing an exhibit that boosted my artistic confidence.

5/09- My birthday. I felt loved and special by my friends here. Tacky prom party turned dramatic, but worth it in the end.

6/09- Fog begins. School is over, start Camp Meg and getting ready for Africa. Travel to SLO, made some intense realizations about myself and my tendencies to assume overly anxious behavior.

7/09- Travel to Africa. Thus began the changing of my worldview, learning that I have so much and figuring out how I specifically want to give back. Experiencing God in a completely new way. Dreaming about the possibilities of going back. Having a hard time once I got back, readjusting to life in the city.

8/09- The more I babysit, the more that I realize I don't know if a) I ever want to have kids and b) would want to raise them in the city. Starting to paint again, finding my inner artistic creativity once more.

9/09- Going back to school, working with a new teacher, running full-speed ahead. Realizing that things won't be the same as they were last year. Evaluating community group.

10/09- My parents' visit, Halloween (Where the Wild Things Are), turning in paper after paper. Thrilled to have new friends from school that I can bond with the whole teaching experience over. Saying goodbye to a close friend. Feeling both isolated and in community with those around me at a music festival.

11/09- Confronted with a hard truth about my progress in counseling. Getting sick on Thanksgiving, only to realize I need to take better care of myself. Time spent with other families, that make me realize that sometimes I'm homesick because I live far away. Learning how to reach out to others who I think need my help, but also knowing that I can't fix them. Dealing with criticism after a harsh but seemingly accurate review from my supervisor. Pleasantly surprised by other people, only to become crushed in disappointment when they don't live up to my expectations.

12/09- Finishing the semester, feeling loved by the kids at school and their families through their generosity, reconnecting with friends that I felt I hadn't seen all semester. Enjoying the time spent at home with my family. Reconnecting with people I hadn't seen since high school and starting to realize how petty my insecurities were back then. Feeling like I want to trust God wholeheartedly, after how He's provided for me through this past year. Acquiring confidence to lead community group.

I realize in writing this how much I tend to focus on relationships, being liked and creating harmony with those around me. That's one of the main threads running through my year: what I did, with whom, and when. But I also grew a lot, learning more about myself and the world around me. Knowing that I am in San Francisco for a specific purpose, learning to be an educator who will facilitate reform and inspire others.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ra ra ra ra raaaaa

I have the Lady Gaga song in my head. Or I have ever since my brother picked me up from the airport in Pennsylvania and we blasted it in the car on the way home.
I always have this resistance to going home at first, once I'm there and more adjusted, I'm more comfortable, and then it's hard to leave and come back to life here.
I kept thinking on the plane ride yesterday that I live far away from home. Not that it's good or bad, but that I never realized how far it was before. It's usually my parents coming to see me versus me coming to see them and so sometimes I forget how long the plane ride/travel process can be.
And every time I come back to the city, I get a little anxious. Maybe because I worry about what I've missed or what I've committed myself to for the next few days, weeks, months. I get an email about books and I'm already thinking about next semester. I see my room and my unfinished painting and other art projects and feel like I need to finish. I take kids on their scooters on the sidewalk and people make comments at us or try and run us over as we are walking by. I drive my friend Claudia's car and worry about whether or not I'm parked legally or read the sign for street cleaning correctly.
I'm only here for a few days before I head to Tahoe, but here's to coming back to SF in 2010 and not necessarily finding something to get anxious about. I might just have to dance out my worries to Lady Gaga in the meantime.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

This used to be a day filled with anticipation building for Santa, reading Christmas stories, and going to the candlelight service at church. Now, it's about Christ coming, the real reason; as I sat in traffic today in York (go figure!) I thought about how often we get that wrong.
I had lunch at Panera bread with friends from middle and high school youth group. God has brought us back together, year after year, even though you may not have not thought so. We've been all over: Micronesia, California, Africa, but we meet back together at the same table each year.
I think that's been the trend this past year: the moment I get disappointed about some allusion I've been creating in my head since childhood, the next I'm pleasantly surprised about what God is doing instead. I might not be at Berkeley getting a masters, but I'm in a program that I love and can get an education while staying at my job. I am not engaged or even close, but God is refining me through so many of my relationships. I feel like I'm finally beginning to heal from ones that have wounded me in the past with the community I have surrounding me.
I can still carry on the traditions of the Eve before Noel, running with my friend Claire, going to church at midnight, spending time with my family. Just because childhood is over doesn't mean I have to be an adult necessarily yet, but I do need to let go of some of my childhood expectations. Ways of thinking the world should be, when it's not. Jesus still came into the world, even though it wasn't perfect.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Peanut butter pretzels

I'm eating them because I didn't have time during class to stomach any more than a salad. I feel like all I can do these days is snack and then move on to the next thing- be it filling out a case study, writing out Christmas cards, or helping a first grader who needs my attention.
It's hard this time of year, to rest, to stop, to wait. I'm trying to be patient this Advent season and see what God has in store.
So far, He's teaching me a lot:
I'm back to taking MUNI after my bike had two flat tires
I can lead my peers just like I can little kids
I can decide to care less what other people think about me
God has more for me than I know or want for myself
I can go and do administrative tasks in the classroom and not be any less of a teacher
I don't have to prove myself with my grades, like I once felt like I had to do
I don't know if people know me in the way I want to be known... (that's the most revelatory one yet)
And lastly, that I have a lot to be thankful for. Not just the 5 things that my roommate Lisa made me come up with during the holiday season that I worked for Louis Vuitton two years ago...