Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Mumford and Sons. I've been thinking a lot about that line after I heard them perform live at Coachella in a crowd of 20,000 people, going ga-ga over the Irishmen. The song is "Awake my soul" and seems to me to connect a lot to what I've been thinking and feeling lately.

I've been working so hard at my job and giving my love to these kids, sometimes I feel to no avail. I'm wondering if I didn't do it, would it matter? Would the 13-year-olds that I mentor care if I stopped showing up

for them? I sometimes think that they just need a warm body in the room. But the reality of it all is that where I'm putting in the time, the efforts, making relationships, there I'm investing my life.

I'm listening to the kid who is acting out, I'm emailing a parent back about how to better serve the school community with an online lost-and-found system, and I'm working until 7 PM trying to create better learning environments.

But would I want it any other way right now? Sometimes I think that having another outlet would help for me to pour into, but I don't think so. I wouldn't have funny stories to tell at night to keep people laughing or be able to drink sparkling wine on a weeknight to recover from the day or perform science experiments where I'm throwing popcorn in the air, so that my kids can act as birds trying to catch insects.

Har har, har har, har har, har har.

Coming out on the other side

The camping trip with the first graders last week was a turning point for me. A turning point that after the trip, after spring break, it will almost be summer. Meaning that I will have made it through my first year teaching. Two grade-levels, an intense private school, tutoring and babysitting on top of it. That's just the negative: there is actually a lot of positive. A well-resourced school with intelligent, wonderful families who send their talented children to me, who will I believe change the course of the world someday. I want to jump up and down and scream at the top of my lungs, I'm so excited to have made it this far.

Spring break for me has been less than climactic after this shift. It's been getting things done that I normally don't get to do, spending time with people that I care about, and catching up on things that are on my "to-do" list. Figuring out jobs and what I'll be doing next year, as well as putting everything in God's control. Realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be the one who is making the choice.

I've started to exude this inner confidence and calm that is unlike me. But I think that going through this year has made me come to terms with owning my inner strength. I now take naps in the middle of the afternoon (because it's Lent, and I'm supposed to do something nice for myself each day). I laugh a lot, especially around six-year-olds who wear monkey pajamas and call me MEGGGIIIIIEEE. I knit. I can better pursue friendships. My mind turns to self-pity less often. One day soon I will start painting again.