I'm not sure where to begin

The last few days, few months, year has been so full of change. Packing up my apartment, ie throwing clothes in a pickup truck and transporting load after load across the panhandle, felt like a cathartic, scary change that had been brewing for a while.

It felt a lot like cleaning out my classroom at the end of last year and moving out of New York from the summer. And then starting over with a numbness that I can't explain because I can't even really process all that is happening. The realization won't start until you burst into tears, projecting onto your best friend after she is running late or breaking down in another teacher's room because you don't know how to teach fractions to fifth graders and you don't want to get yet another teaching credential to eventually have your own classroom.

You'll be sad for a little while, but then excited, because this is what you wanted- to grow, to flourish, to paint in a studio, to start at a school that values professional development, to get the dog that you've been wanting for four years.

It's like riding your bike in the darkened panhandle at night, lights flashing leading the way, but unsure of the bumps in the road and the obstacles en route.

Cleaning out my inbox

It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and actually respond to non-urgent emails and organize my gmail. Usually I deal with email on a daily basis as-needed and it feels like a chore. I'm trying to see things in my life as opportunities, not things to check off the to-do list.

For the first time this weekend, in Napa with the YUTES of City Church, I started to feel like my mind was clear again. There was nothing pressing to do that I had to do that second, except be with kids and roast marshmallows with them, share my story and listen to theirs. It's been a long time coming- I can't remember being de-stressed in a really, really long time.

Maybe the first 6 weeks of school being over, relationships grieved and changing into hopeful new ones, and free time have all contributed. That, and pilates twice a week, happy hours during the week being re-instated, Sunday night dinners with friends that feel life-giving, and reading books again for fun, not for academic purposes. I highly recommend Tales of the City if you have ever lived in San Francisco.

There will be times when I won't be able to get the negativity out of my head or the fact that I haven't gotten a dog yet or been as productive as I had hoped on a rainy day will get me down.

But there will also be sunny days, when the blue angels will fly in a heart above your school as you are watching the kids at the end of the day before a three-day weekend, when you will believe in God, His provision, and be able to trust in it.