Debriefing

I had forgotten about how I felt in Africa, how I knew that I had to depend on God, until seeing Maggie's Sudan presentation today. A wave of emotion swept over me, tears ran down my cheeks as I saw the cherubic faces of Sudanese children, orphans.
I let last week, with its mounting assignments, classroom aspirations, and larger-than-life expectation, overwhelm me. I couldn't connect with people because I was frustrated with myself. I couldn't go to sleep because I was anxious. I couldn't be alone because I didn't know how to dig myself out of the hole I had started to dig myself into. I found ways to be sorry for myself, things beyond my control, even if they didn't exist. Everything became an enabler for self-pity.
I needed my friend to confront me today about how I was making her feel, to take charge of my assignments and get my readings done. Everyday, I'm learning more and more how to surrender what I think my life should be, what the world wants me to live for. It's better with God- He took me to Africa, He's brought me back to painting, He's provided me with a wonderful community. He's even using me to reach the middle schoolers of the city. I don't need to sit around, wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing, for not getting my teaching credential sooner or liking boys who I think like me back.
It's been almost two months since Africa, here I am still wondering, "What's next?" Africa came back to me this week in the form of a call from Hope4Kids, an encouragement about my art, and a facebook message from a dear friend. I have to surrender, let go, trust God with what He has for me tomorrow, the day after that, and the day after that.