Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Summer's end

I’m thankful for…
Maybe I’m filled with a sense of gratitude right now because my friend Maggie is rubbing off on me in a good way. And my mom and Shauna Niequiest, of course.

That I don’t have to know what I’m going to do tomorrow, besides go to class. I do know that I’m in the airport for the umpteenth time this summer fulfilling my reputation as the roaming gypsy, unable to get my bulging suitcases closed because I’ve filled them with books and trinkets from home. I know that I’m probably going to want to go to sleep when I get home. That traveling, being home, seeing a best friend, learning about how to teach kids for 30 hours last week, seeing friends from near and far, the past and present, was incredible, but draining. Now I’m going back to school and the whole process starts over again. I don’t feel in control of anything, but then again, I’m not sure that I’m supposed to. Quoting Maggie and my pastor from home, it’s not like you want to rewind to relive the good parts or fast-forward to skip the difficult ones. You want to live in the present and live through it.

I don’t know what the future will bring, how long San Francisco will feel like home, when/if my “old friend” running will come back to me, how I’ll get more books to Africa, where I’d get married if I do ever, if I should continue with school to get my masters.

I know that I’ve had the privilege of seeing a good friend get married this summer.
Traveled to Africa with my mom and an inspiring group of people.
Connect with troubled kids in my own city, that I might not have gotten the opportunity to otherwise.
Walked through harsh neighborhoods in NYC, only to realize I’m not as invincible and strong as I like to think that I am.
Flown more miles than ever before.
Seen friends that really know me and been surprised by new ones.
Learned that God is in the details of my life.
Been to my hometown and considered where I’ve come from and what I’ve done.
Smashed broken glass into mosaics, filled trunks with books.
Dealt with transition, grieving each loss.

As my friend Katie said yesterday, "You've had a great summer, Meg." Now it's time to have an extraordinary fall.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Papa Gardener


I've been really feeling reliant on grace recently. Needing grace this summer in order to survive financially. Having to ask for help has never been easy for me.
But this one, my dad! has been freely giving me grace, left and right. Breakfast at Ella's to say that he wants me to decide where I want to create a life for myself, wherever that is. Remembering my friends' names and asking me how they are doing.
Sharing my mom's and my excitement for Africa. Hearing stories about businessmen I met on planes on the way to Atlanta last weekend who offered me trips to Zimbabwe- then actually knowing the person I was talking about. In an overprotective way that only dads can be.
Trying to contain my mom when she was worried about me staying in an NYC apartment that I found on the Redeemer website.
Not making a big deal about his birthday, usually ever, even though it is tomorrow.
Here's to you, Dad- on your birthday. Thanks for supporting me throughout my life, but especially, in more ways than one, during my "turbulent twenties." I love you.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

To Be Alone with You

This is something I'm struggling with right now, being alone with God. It's something that I've claimed to have done since living in San Francisco, but I can't think of the last time that I was alone in my apartment or without distraction or homework looming in the last seven months. Maybe that's why the months have flown by and my African whirlwind adventure is over, why I'm feeling listless and empty. I want to escape, run from my pain and suffering, and not deal with the books that I'm carrying in my own suitcase to give to God. I'm waiting at the airport and I don't even know the destination. It's feeling these days like Alexander moving to Australia in "Alexander and the No Good Very Bad Day"- "Maybe I'll just move to Africa" because things seem easier there, more simple and I don't have to face my demons. It's so much easier to deal with the demons of other people or analyze other people's relationships with God than deal with my own heart.

Like why I feel alone in this city that I've made my home these past three years. Half-jokingly, I used to think that I would raise a family in my apartment (right Maggie?)
How I feel like change has been happening so quickly all around me that I've become numb to it and don't even acknowledge its effect on me anymore.
Why I feel so far away from my family and where I've come from. I've wanted to use the distance as reason for my independence.
Am I really affecting change here in any positive way? Is it like my friend Julie says, that I've affected kids all over the world and I'm standing in the circle between them beaming?
Is the issue trying to connect what I've done and who I've become to influence my community here? What does my community here even look like anymore?

It's like the Hills finale, Audrina, Lo, and Kristin all saying, "We're all moving on, we're all headed in our own directions, not necessarily in LA." The mindless TV show resonates with me.

If I can be alone with You, than I will be okay, in Uganda, in San Francisco, or halfway in between.