It's been a RAD (I think I'm being inspired by the Weeds character right now) weekend in a lot of ways. Lots of personal growth, things I have never done before:
1) Smoking "Turkish delight" at a Hookah bar with Wimberly on Friday night
2) Praying for 3! hours today with some of my closest friends
3) Being "me" all weekend long
4) Walking around Lake Merritt the whole perimeter (3.3 miles) in cowboy boots... those boots were made for walking
5) Asking people for things that I need
6) Getting sun (in San Francisco), just so rare that it feels like it's never ever happened
7) Knitting on a beach
8) Driving (my friend's car) over the Bay Bridge
9) Seeing Oakland in a whole new light
10) And... Anne Lamott tomorrow:

Something inside me that was stiff and rotting would feel soft and tender. Somehow that singing wore down all the boundaries and distinctions that kept me so isolated. Sitting there, standing with them to sing, sometimes so shaky and sick that I felt like I might tip over, I felt bigger than myself, like I was being taken care of, tricked into coming back to life. (Traveling Mercies)

Wild things

I think right now, I’m reluctant to think that anything will ever work out. If it didn’t work for M and K, I don’t know that it will work for anyone. If six-year-olds in the woods suffer emotionally now, I don’t know how that will change when they become adults.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last five or more years wondering, “Wny not me, in a relationship, right now?” But what I’ve realized is that I’m actually probably better off having not invested in another human being.

The thing is, being around other people, especially kids, makes you forget your own issues. You become transfixed in their worlds and act as they do. Everything seems magical- a redwood tree, a stick, a magic wand “glowstick” flashlight. Something makes you laugh almost every second of every day…

Like Ginger saying, “I grow my own crystals.”

Or Armance writing the address of her letter on the wrong side, not with the stamps.

Matilda opening her box of kisses- really, kisses- lipstick kissed pieces of paper, handing them out.

I guess what’s more important than being in a relationship with a boy around my age who cares about me is being in relationships with people twenty years younger who love me unconditionally. Who scream my name as I walk away as though they are my biggest fans.
Who will hold my hand, sit on my lap and listen to a story, or lend me their flashlight.

I didn't want to be alone today...

something having to do with the anticipation of Easter, of the Lenten season being over, of going to the woods with 82 first graders next week, of not knowing exactly what I was going to do today. Going to church the last four! days brought me closer to God but brought out emotions I didn't even know that I had. I'm somehow back to feeling unlovable, even though I know that God loves me. I just don't know how to keep telling myself otherwise, especially when I'm the slightest bit vulnerable.
So I took videos of my friends instead. I went to the woods and got out of the city. I had dinner with a colleague from school. I made a rabbit cake (see aside).