GLEEful

I want to be glee-ful, not just because I watched the TV show right now. But because I have the opportunity to further my education, help other people with my gifts, and share my life with other people. I have a huge easel in my room now, with a painting on it, that reminds me of what I'm working towards. My creativity has dramatically increased, although sometimes at the expense of procrastinating now that I'm back in school.
In this season of engagements, weddings, babies, and whirlwind romances, I want to be happy for my friends. I also want more than anything to be content with myself. I was alone more than I had been in a while over Labor Day weekend (even in my apartment). I did okay with the silence and the lag times. I even relished in it yesterday on a walk through the fog of the city at twilight.
Today, anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was the Blue Bottle coffee I had at lunch, my nagging urge to check my email throughout the day, or my insecurities about school resurfacing. I found myself alone after school, unsure of what to do next. I didn't have class to go to, I could rest and be content. I couldn't, I kept feeling like there was something I should be doing. I should finish my painting, work on this project, finish my reading, call this friend.
I've figured out that I look to the distractions to keep me from thinking about myself, when sometimes that's the very thing that I should be doing. I can more easily engage with other people, which will consume my head space. Rather, I prefer that than getting stuck in my own cement mixture of uncertain thoughts and relentless self-sabotage.
I don't need the external affirmation as much now, I can spend hours pouring over my books excited about what I'm learning, I can watch glee before bed and feel hopeful about the day to come (even though my school would never let us perform Push It in a school assembly).