This is something I'm struggling with right now, being alone with God. It's something that I've claimed to have done since living in San Francisco, but I can't think of the last time that I was alone in my apartment or without distraction or homework looming in the last seven months. Maybe that's why the months have flown by and my African whirlwind adventure is over, why I'm feeling listless and empty. I want to escape, run from my pain and suffering, and not deal with the books that I'm carrying in my own suitcase to give to God. I'm waiting at the airport and I don't even know the destination. It's feeling these days like Alexander moving to Australia in "Alexander and the No Good Very Bad Day"- "Maybe I'll just move to Africa" because things seem easier there, more simple and I don't have to face my demons. It's so much easier to deal with the demons of other people or analyze other people's relationships with God than deal with my own heart.
Like why I feel alone in this city that I've made my home these past three years. Half-jokingly, I used to think that I would raise a family in my apartment (right Maggie?)
How I feel like change has been happening so quickly all around me that I've become numb to it and don't even acknowledge its effect on me anymore.
Why I feel so far away from my family and where I've come from. I've wanted to use the distance as reason for my independence.
Am I really affecting change here in any positive way? Is it like my friend Julie says, that I've affected kids all over the world and I'm standing in the circle between them beaming?
Is the issue trying to connect what I've done and who I've become to influence my community here? What does my community here even look like anymore?
It's like the Hills finale, Audrina, Lo, and Kristin all saying, "We're all moving on, we're all headed in our own directions, not necessarily in LA." The mindless TV show resonates with me.
If I can be alone with You, than I will be okay, in Uganda, in San Francisco, or halfway in between.
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