Expectations define my daily life, I've now figured that out. I don't know how to live without expecting that something will happen, be it the morning recess, meeting a friend for lunch in the park, or making plans post-5:30. I place certain expectations on myself, that I have to accomplish certain things in a day, but they are also imposed on me by society and by others around me. So much so that I can't juggle or recognize all of the different directions in which I'm being pulled. I've become so accustomed to putting these expectations before my own that I have a hard time figuring out what I want, what I expect, what I need to do at this very moment. Obviously, I have certain obligations on a daily basis and a classroom of 18 six-year-olds cannot feasibly function without me. But, I don't know how to flip the on switch to the off one, such that I can relax and enjoy the moment. I've always been a pervasive worrier, anxiously anticipating what's coming next. I remember being 13, pacing back and forth at the window overlooking the driveway, thinking about the fact that my mom was 15 minutes late. My mind would race to worst case scenarios; too many made-for-TV movies led me to believe that she had been in a car crash, that I would be in a way orphaned.
But, today was the first time that I felt thankful for the holding pattern in which I find myself right now. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 6 months or so; even though the outcome may be dismal, Berkeley does not define my self-worth. I'm learning to listen to that still, quiet voice inside that allows self-confidence to resonate. God doesn't love me on a conditional basis, if I do or don't wake up and read my bible and pray today. I'm trying to view my self-worth in the same vein, giving myself grace to fail each day and disappoint my own and others' expectations.
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