Series of contradictions

All week long, I've had a dialogue of possible blog entries going on in my head. Now that I'm sitting at my computer, ready to write, I can't think of a single one. I could tell you about some of the quirky adventures that I had while spending four days in the redwood trees of Santa Cruz with six-year-olds. I could tell you about how I realized that I don't take good enough care of myself sometimes; "I burn both ends of the candle," as my dad would put it. I could tell you how I felt most myself at a psychedelic Ratatat concert this week. I could tell you about how I build things up in my head so much so that once I finally get to the end result, I can't even enjoy them. I don't know how to live in the moment without thinking about the next 5,10, 15 minutes.
I'm in San Francisco, I've been here a year and a half. I watch a French movie and think about how I want to live there again someday. I know that it was hard there and at times I felt so alone. I know that I keep parts of my life there with me now. I have a community that loves me and I am blessed, I just don't know how to believe that sometimes.
It takes riding the 49 bus home with my friend Robin, sitting next to a man who rants about the truth in the world, for me to finally figure out that sometimes I strive for things that are unimportant. I want money, power, just like everyone else. I don't need other people to fill me up and affirm my self-worth. God is my creator, He knows me better than anyone else. Better than I know my almost 25-year-old self.
I have been having a lot of childhood flashbacks recently. It may be my upcoming trip home or the fact that I'm surrounded by kids most days. Like I've never been able to enjoy my birthday, being that much the center of the attention, since I turned six and spent the morning in the bathroom crying before my miniature golf party. Like I taught myself to French braid my hair so that I could do it to my own hair since my mom couldn't. Like I thought that the world was my oyster, I've since become disillusioned. Some days, I want to give up. I try and earn something but most days feel like I've accomplished nothing. My successes go through my head like a sieve and usually only the negatives remain.
The personal growth feedback has shaken my sense of self. I know when I feel most alive, it's not when other people think that I'm most alive. I have let them take over when I feel vulnerable. I want to look forward to things, but not act as though they will be the most important day, moment, event of my life. I want to live spontaneously, without expectations. I want to care for others but know my own limitations and needs and wants. I want to feel cared for, to be loved, to allow myself that risk. I want to ask my friend to take me to the doctor and not feel guilty about it afterwards. I want to contribute to my community but not so in ways that I allow myself to feel stressed, burnt out. I want to exude confidence and light, not shine it in people's eyes such that they are blinded by my honesty, candidness and energy. I want to get energy from myself and from others. I want to let myself rest and not feel like I'm missing out on anything, even if it's sunny outside. I want to live a day without a "To Do" list running through my head, to thrive on being present each moment but not procrastinating. I want to trust God with my life plan, trust Him with the day-to-day, with the future, with the past. I want to believe, "I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places- firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry." (Isaiah 58:11).