So many important things happened today that I feel like I can't even keep track... I came to one of those cathartic moments today when I realized that almost 24 years of my life, I have been living for other people and not for myself. If I live for other people and constantly hold myself to their expectations, then I am setting myself up for being disappointed and pulled in five million different directions. I can't even meet the complex set of expectations that I've set before myself: that I should be perky all the time, never affected by others, seamlessly transitioning from one thing to the next. Most often than not, I'm a broken mess who has various emotional ups and downs, deeply hurts and feels for others, and cannot transition easily from one thing to another.
Not only did I confront the lice in the first graders' hair, but I confronted the lice in my own (not literally of course). I visited my own "Hair Fairy" today when I realized how much of my self-worth I have invested in other things and other people. If only I look really nice today and have this new pair of boots, then I'm sure to have a boyfriend. If only I'm on time and organized, then people will think that I can actually handle my job.
Amidst leading forty kids up the stairs and wrecking one set of parents' dream for their child, I felt more in control of my life than I have in a while. So much so that when I saw Alex on Haight Street after work that I didn't stop to talk to him. We established eye contact but never reciprocated by acknowledging each other. I stood for about ten minutes outside of Shoe Biz, where I saw him enter into, on the phone with my friend Katie while trying to determine my next move.
She changed subjects while on the phone, but my mind still wandered to the What Ifs of the current situation. If I engaged him in conversation, I'm sure that I subconsciously would have tried to prove that somehow I was thriving in my current job, application to grad school, etc, etc. What would I actually gain from that experience? I'm sure later on that I would feel my shallow and hollow representation of self that I was set on portraying.
I felt pretty unstable and as though I was unraveling for the fifteen or so minutes after I decided to actually get on the bus and move from where I was standing, glued outside of Positively Haight on the corner of Haight and Masonic. I did feel some remorse in thinking that I could actually have communicated and healed from someone who had done me wrong. I can't help but feel like most people are trying to do the same, take advantage of me in some way. For some reason, I feel it more from some than others, maybe those that I'm closest to. I would rather shed my vulnerability with complete strangers in my Re-Imagine class than with my closest friends. I would rather withdraw and pick up my belongings and move across the bridge, the street, or the country than deal with confrontations and hurts in my own backyard.
I'm sure that today was more symbolic than I can even comprehend at this very moment. It still seems unreal, all that I come in contact with, over a 12-14 hour span. I can only hope that tomorrow the lice will be fewer and the eggs will not have multiplied overnight.
Meg,
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you. Whether you look at it as a sad occurrence or not, you and him are like passing ships in the night. You both may live in the same city, but you no longer have ties that bind you enough to feel the need to say "hello" to eachother. I know we talked about possible salvaging some kind of cordial relationship with him. That because both of you shared this overseas experience in the same tiny French city, that both of you would find a way to be friendly or at least civil. But looking back at this past year, you don't owe him that. You don't him your time or your attention. From my perspective, you've inched your way past him. It just so happened that seeing him on that corner that day, you felt confident enough to not want to engage him in conversation. I'll tell you this. Were it the "old" you, you would have felt obliged to. So kudos to you my dear. I don't think anyone can actually "feel" themselves growing up. But looking back at this one moment, for you, I think is a great moment in your development.
I miss you.
love,
aldwin.