It's been a hard week. I didn't realize on the outset that having little sleep going into the week would negatively affect me in some way. I guess that I've come to realize that I'm not as tough or cannot accomplish as much in one day as I think that I can. I can't come home after an interview at Berkeley and confront a difficult situation, I just can't. I won't be able to meet everyone else's expectations of me. I can't not think about my life changing in some ways next year, when the lives of those around me continue to evolve and change, so much so that most of the time I feel like I can't keep up.
I don't know how to cope with my future, my present, or my past. Just being around teenagers last weekend brought up some painful memories. I know that the painful relationships that I've had have become milestones along the way in becoming the person that I am today. The hard part of that is that I still fear being hurt each day by those around me. Sometimes I think that I even seek it out, reading into a non-malicious comment.
Maybe I just should go live with the bears like Timothy Treadwill. As much as I laughed and scoffed at his person both on and off camera, I also could relate to his loneliness and isolation. I am struck by the fact that the movie struck me the same way at a free screening from the Washington and Lee Film Society as it did today in San Francisco. I never am able to connect the dots until after the fact. Maybe I was going through something in college that I didn't realize that I would experience fully until living in another country and moving to another place.
I'm scared, angry, frustrated, sad, all at the same time. Maybe it's the stress that I've been through this week, or maybe it's just the disillusionment associated with adulthood and the bleakness of our economic future in 2K9.
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