It's been a RAD (I think I'm being inspired by the Weeds character right now) weekend in a lot of ways. Lots of personal growth, things I have never done before:
1) Smoking "Turkish delight" at a Hookah bar with Wimberly on Friday night
2) Praying for 3! hours today with some of my closest friends
3) Being "me" all weekend long
4) Walking around Lake Merritt the whole perimeter (3.3 miles) in cowboy boots... those boots were made for walking
5) Asking people for things that I need
6) Getting sun (in San Francisco), just so rare that it feels like it's never ever happened
7) Knitting on a beach
8) Driving (my friend's car) over the Bay Bridge
9) Seeing Oakland in a whole new light
10) And... Anne Lamott tomorrow:

Something inside me that was stiff and rotting would feel soft and tender. Somehow that singing wore down all the boundaries and distinctions that kept me so isolated. Sitting there, standing with them to sing, sometimes so shaky and sick that I felt like I might tip over, I felt bigger than myself, like I was being taken care of, tricked into coming back to life. (Traveling Mercies)

Wild things

I think right now, I’m reluctant to think that anything will ever work out. If it didn’t work for M and K, I don’t know that it will work for anyone. If six-year-olds in the woods suffer emotionally now, I don’t know how that will change when they become adults.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last five or more years wondering, “Wny not me, in a relationship, right now?” But what I’ve realized is that I’m actually probably better off having not invested in another human being.

The thing is, being around other people, especially kids, makes you forget your own issues. You become transfixed in their worlds and act as they do. Everything seems magical- a redwood tree, a stick, a magic wand “glowstick” flashlight. Something makes you laugh almost every second of every day…

Like Ginger saying, “I grow my own crystals.”

Or Armance writing the address of her letter on the wrong side, not with the stamps.

Matilda opening her box of kisses- really, kisses- lipstick kissed pieces of paper, handing them out.

I guess what’s more important than being in a relationship with a boy around my age who cares about me is being in relationships with people twenty years younger who love me unconditionally. Who scream my name as I walk away as though they are my biggest fans.
Who will hold my hand, sit on my lap and listen to a story, or lend me their flashlight.

I didn't want to be alone today...

something having to do with the anticipation of Easter, of the Lenten season being over, of going to the woods with 82 first graders next week, of not knowing exactly what I was going to do today. Going to church the last four! days brought me closer to God but brought out emotions I didn't even know that I had. I'm somehow back to feeling unlovable, even though I know that God loves me. I just don't know how to keep telling myself otherwise, especially when I'm the slightest bit vulnerable.
So I took videos of my friends instead. I went to the woods and got out of the city. I had dinner with a colleague from school. I made a rabbit cake (see aside).

Parent-teacher gardens

I've learned in all of my classes that the parents can affect the child's school performance by encouraging reading and holding their children accountable for their behavior. But I learned yesterday from one of the French teachers that kids like to have their "petit jardin," or their own garden at school, that they alone are cultivating. That may be why a parent who asks their first grader, "What did you do at school today?" gets the corresponding response, "Nothing." It's the child's own garden to protect, maintain, and produce. Letting other people in is hard for them.

I don't know what is better, over or under-involvement as parents. Parents who want to be let in on their children's conferences via video chat from Australia or divorced parents who don't want the other parent to meet with their child's teachers and see their school reports. Parents who haven't slept in days, parents who meet with every psychologist possible to figure out what their child needs to stay in a bilingual environment, or parents who don't know the same kid at home that the kid's teacher know at school.

I always reflect on my own experiences, wondering what I was like in first grade and what my parents heard at parent-teacher conferences. I like to think that I was doing well, reading and writing, paying attention in class, no behavioral issues. I don't remember my parents telling me otherwise, but I do remember anxiously waiting for them to arrive home from conferences so that I could hear what they had to say.

So, my question and challenge as a teacher is this: what do I want to cultivate in children's gardens, that they can learn to take autonomy over as I gradually release the responsibility? and how can I get them so excited about it that they want to go home and share what they've planted and grown with their families?

Emotional Creature

I have to steal my friend Emily's byline on this one, I feel things pretty deeply. I don't know if it's how women are made, as Eve Ensler likes to think, or if it's just me, Meg Garner, Gem Renrag, Miss Gardner.

I feel when I am walking from place to place- feeling things about the city.
I feel when I am touched by one of my kids, in particular the one who likes to think he is a cat and purrs against me five times a day.
I feel when I hear from people's voices and can connect over the phone, even though we aren't in the same place.
I feel when one of my classmates experiences a potentially threatening situation.
I feel when I experience something that moves me- a song, a story, a movie, that I have a personal connection to.
I feel when I'm studying about ideas or situations that I care about or want to reform.
I feel when I'm artistic or creative in some way- it might even be swashing the green paint over egg carton caterpillars.
I feel when I think about Africa and the people there.
I feel when God does something, shows me in some way, that I'm valuable, that He loves me.

I feel when I'm hungry, tired, anxious, depressed, over/under-caffeinated, awake, hungover, elated, vulnerable- in community, by myself.
I feel almost every moment of every day- even though my feelings aren't always founded in reason, they seem logical enough for me to feel them. They don't want to be ignored, suppressed, or belittled.

Ask, Seek, Knock

This has been coming up for me a lot lately- in sermons, devotionals, friends- just about every medium that God can use to show me that I actually have to ask Him for what I want, as opposed to just assuming that He'll take care of it or will show me what He has.

Yesterday, I experienced highs and lows- highs from having community to spend the day with (celebrating 5 different holidays in one), a middle schooler to fend off pillows with at the Pillow fight, neighbors to play Baci ball with in the park, a church that I wanted to spend 5 hours at where they play Sufjan Stevens because I wasn't ready to go home and be by myself. Highs from eating Chinese in Chinatown on Chinese New Year with 16 others, feeling known, and our friend Nick being thankful for his friends on his birthday. Lows from feeling like I always mess up relationships, that I'm unlovable, that I can't remember to charge my camera battery or keep all of my stuff together. Lows from feeling like I will never have a date on Valentine's Day, that I'll just continue this trajectory of wanting desperately to be liked, only to fall flat on my face every time I like someone and he doesn't like me back.

So, if I Ask, Seek, Knock that I'll have a date at one point on Valentine's Day, does that mean that God has to come through for me in that way? No, my roommate Lisa told me yesterday God was providing for me in the little ways- the highs, reminding me that He loved me even though I only had my parents and six-year-olds as Valentines this year, showing me His love through Sufjan and community.

REVIVE

I have a Nikki McClure calendar, thanks to the ingenious of my friend Robin and Little Otsu. Each month is a new word, with a printed illustration. This month is REVIVE. When I first changed the month from January to February, not only was I excited for a new month, but I was excited for a new saying to greet me upon coming into my room. REVIVE I thought might be synonymous with reviving relationships, reviving yourself, etc, etc. But it was REVIVE with tools surrounding it- tools that are made to craft and be creative with. So, my month of February is about reviving my spirit through creative endeavors- first one was a screenprinting class at Workshop on Saturday, which set the bar high for the rest of the month. Possible updates to follow- paintings of Africa, muraling my cousin's nursery, photographing my city.
Picture via buyolympia.com