MJ

I don't know how to sum up summer so far:
3.5 hour psych classes
The fog rolling in at night
Friendships with people going through the same things I am
Unexpected transitions and change making me feel constantly uprooted and unstable
Being 2 semesters away from being a credentialed teacher
Sharing my love for Africa with others
Having a dinner, while crying over a beer and immediately feeling better about life
Special needs kids who write Michael Jackson poems to commemorate his one-year anniversary, hug me for 2 minutes, read to dogs from the SPCA, and say "People these days..."
Opening myself up to new possibilities when I get back, feeling the anxiety lift as I think about what life will be like as of Monday...

Rainbow Chips

The last three fourth of Julys in San Francisco have been anti-climactic in ways... Tumultuous relationships, roof-climbing parties, nose piercings and tattoos (my friend Maggie's, not my own). Foggy cloud cover and time spent outside on porches or roofs with close friends.
This year, I'm scrambling to finish summer school, paint a fairy mural, write two papers, spend four more days with emotionally disturbed kids, dote on a golden retriever, and get ready for Africa. I feel superhuman some days- I just need to get through the day, breathe in, breathe out, do my best, love other people well, take care of myself.
It's like the Funfetti cupcakes with the rainbow chip frosting. I'm trying to buy both the icing and the cake mix from Pillsbury, but really for the cupcakes to be good, I need the rainbow chip frosting. I'm resisting it at first, because I already have the Pillsbury frosting, and Betty Crocker icing isn't even found at Walgreen's. But, when I do find it, with the support of my good friends, I realize that it was worth it to wait and find the right one. Even though I just want to make the cupcakes and get them to a middle schooler for his birthday.
That's how I'm feeling about everything right now. I have the Pillsbury frosting, and I just need to find the rainbow chip Betty Crocker one to finish off my cake.

Calming presence

Never before in my life have I been called CALM. I may bring a positive energy to a particular situation, but I'm never actually the source of peace. Today, I was called calm, granted by an ED teacher himself, but he said that my friend Kate and I were unflappable, that no matter what was going on, we didn't react. When kids threatened us with scissors, screamed "F--- you you mother-f---ers," cheated at Pass-the-Pigs, said "You asking the wrong kid...," laid on the floor refusing to do work, or acted like dogs getting a treat if they did the right thing, I haven't lost my cool. Sometimes I stifle a giggle because I don't know how to react when Maliq tells me his middle name is "Don't mess with me" or "Rocky" or I almost lose my composure when this six-year-old shares his potato chips with me everyday even though he earned them, I didn't. How can someone with such a hard life be so generous?
I'm learning so much, I don't even know where to begin. Every day I count write a book, I really could. I don't know how this is shaping me, I'm in the throws of it, but I know that I won't even approach education in the city the same way.

Meggiesf

Oh and in the midst of all of this, my credential friends are saying, "Meg, you have to start a blog telling us about everything to do in the city," which of course I got to in the procrastination of writing a paper last night.
Check it out... definitely on the lighter side, no more than a few lines of text- meggiesf.wordpress.com

I can't remember being this tired

In a long, long time. It's like end of the semester-tired, only it feels like it's lasted for the last 5 weeks. It's like I know I need to take care of myself-tired, but I'm just so tired I can't cook myself a meal or do anything else but flop on my bed when I get home.
It's from saying goodbye to first graders you've become attached to, knowing that you won't have the same relationship with them in second grade. They might say hi in the hallway or hug you every so often, but it won't be the unconditional love of their admiration that comes from being their teacher. It's from seeing the disparity in our nation and our educational system, seeing six-year-old kids throw tantrums, obsess over guns, lay on the floor instead of doing their work. It's from hearing them screaming, kicking, and crying- knowing that they are coming from a dark, dark place that even you can't imagine.
It's from realizing that my weekend is booked with social activities, that I want to do, but don't know how I'm going to muster up the energy.
But enough with Negative Nancy.

Here are some of the golden nuggets:
Maliq pretending to be a scientist (even the way he walks through the hallway or flings the milk from his cereal in a straw around the cafeteria)
Laughing when I'm supposed to cry or am too dumbfounded to react
Having two other amazing people going through this experience with me
Running on the beach after working with special needs kids
Having a mom from French-American at the school working too- just seeing how we're all connected and that she and her family are not living in an alternate reality
Seeing people (teachers, assistants, interns, principals) filled with patience and love, ready to greet some of society's most downtrodden, off of the schoolbus every morning
Watching a child's tantrum quelched and then once again reaching an equilibrium, with tear-stained cheeks, the storm is over
Watching a first grader roll over tables, under chairs, tell me I'm possessed because my eyes are so big, but then become my biggest fan and permanent summer line partner
Uniting the class through the World Cup
Roommates who care enough to knock on my door and ask if my paper is almost done
Parents who keep wanting to support me in getting all of the 940 books to Africa
Realizing that 16 days of summer school later, 3 more psych papers, 3 final projects, books in tow, I'll be headed to Africa, and seeing my mom there

Single in the City

Sex and the City 2 was a pleasant surprise. I think hearing it was over the top and didn’t get great of reviews set my expectations low. However, it was my favorite film so far of the series- outrageous but addressing real life complications. How relationships are hard, your children aren’t what you expected them to be, and how you can grow up in the same city that you moved to after college. All life lessons that I seem to be learning right now. That I need to let go of clinging to relationships, expectations, and fear- relinquish the control. Trusting that I will somehow complete this 8 week summer psychology class, make ends meet this summer, and sherpa 1,000 books to Africa.

I don’t want to just think, this is hard, it will be over soon, because then I’m not open to the process and the person that I’m becoming through it. Through loss of friendships, I’m opening myself up to new people, new interests, new ideas. Like how I could spend Saturday effortless with a new friend, singing and memorizing the lyrics to the Broken Bells on the way back to the city while stuck in Bay Bridge traffic. Through my friends’ heartache and despair, I’m beginning to see that my lack of relationships has been God’s protection of my heart, not reflecting my own shortcomings or worth as a person. I’m constantly learning, I’ll never be happy with how I am just at this moment, I’m always on the cusp of being engaged in an exciting new skill (like turning boot-leg jeans into skinny ones) or reading more, gathering more information, or constantly cleaning out my closet, as though sometime I will get my style just right.

I’m M.E.G., Margaret, Miss Garner, I’m single in the city, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not figuring out who I am or in the process of knowing who I’ll become.

Sulphur and Sinuses

A lot of my internal undoings lately have happened around two things: Sulpher hot springs and stuffed up sinuses. I spent the day in bed on Friday after sleeping for 16! hours (not 20), catching up on TV and documentaries- among the best were Flow and Herb and Dorothy. I started to cry when I realized I didn't know who to call to pick up my antibiotic prescription- both Maggie and Robin were my go-tos for that kind of stuff. I hate asking people for anything, but luckily Kimberly came to the rescue.

The sulphur from Wilbur Hot Springs came into play in healing me physically and emotionally from the last month, the transitions and the ups and downs. I don't feel exactly like a new person- I'm still blowing my nose all the time- but I'm in a better head space than I was before I went. I was able to be quirky, funny, random Meg- so much so that one of my friends said they can't wait for me to be married so that my husband can laugh at me all the time. I should have told them that six-year-olds get to everyday. Work didn't stress me out the way it normally does, neither did class and transportation (now sans bike). Or figuring out that I hadn't booked the flight home for next weekend like I thought I had.