Dimanche

Sundays can be hard days for me. The rest of the week looms ahead, I ponder my to-do list, clean my room, and now, being a student, attempt to get part of my reading done. I like to spend time in the park if the sun is shining, but usually it's not. Talk to my family and friends on the phone, go to a leisurely brunch after church.
My morning is jam-packed with church and middle school youth group. So, when 2:30 hits, I'm down for the count. I usually need a nap or caffeine to make it through the rest of the day, or what productivity is left of it.
I want the day to be restful, Sabbath-like, but I'm the kind of person who is challenged when I have little to do. I'll fill my Saturdays full and then crash on Sundays. I want to take a nap right now, but I feel overwhelmed by all that's going on in my head...like I was going to be artistic and paint right now, I should clean the kitchen and be a responsible roommate, I should clear off my desk and get organized.
As I was having trouble falling asleep last night, one of the notecards I posted to my door caught my eye:

Artists can be SOBER, SANE, SOLVENT, RESPONSIBLE, USER-FRIENDLY, FAITHFUL, SAVED, HAPPY, DISCOVERED, (and most importantly) RECOVERED*

For some reason, I want to go above and beyond to prove these things to other people. I will let them cross boundaries, feign a good mood, and act as a loyal friend. I'm to the point where feelings can distinguish themselves from logic: I know that I am the way that I am, I'm beginning to be okay with that, I should accept things about myself that I cannot change. I usually think that I'm more of a mess that maybe I am, that I need to cover that up, that people won't like me if I'm vulnerable or honest, telling them as I feel.
Maybe it has to do with sensitivity. I'm easily offended: people can't tell me how they feel, therefore I feel like I can't reciprocate. Here's to starting out this new season of my life implementing things that I've learned about myself in the past two years (since today is my two year anniversary of moving to San Francisco)! I've struggled to establish myself here and somehow I've done it. As my parents said, "Meg, if you've done this, you've made it here!, you can do anything." It's up for me to believe and now live that out.



*Taken from The Artist's Way, by Julie Cameron