Nanny Diaries

Seeing families at work and play in the city is a paradox to me. I'm both encouraged, when I see an apartment filled with a parent's art work and a well-lit studio upstairs, and sad, when I see how hard parents have to work to compensate for providing the best for their child. Or when a new mom, now with baby, can't leave her apartment for a few weeks. Or when three kids, two of which erupt in tantrums at the dinner table, continue to instigate each other's traumas.
But then you see the cute moms with the strollers make it look so easy, when really it's not. The difficult three-year-old who literally pees on the floor, having an accident like she is a puppy. Taking kids to the grocery store and not being able to leave the store without the Starburst that the two-year-old stuck in her mouth and blue soda that the six-year-old swore his dad let him have.
But there are moments when I think my life can't get any better: when the kids are worn out from the day, when we're having a dance party to Kelly Clarkson, when we are eating ice cream in the middle of the afternoon, when we are in the sand at the park, when we are cuddling and reading a story together. A dad this week reminded me that I need to see the good in my life: like having the summer off and focusing on me. But at the same time, I know that it's so much more gratifying when the attention shifts to others. And it's hard for me to not think about how I want what they have one day, even in a city if God wills it to be that way.
I wonder if my mom felt the same way in her twenties, focused on her career and burgeoning life in the city. What all changed when she met my dad and then decided to have kids, five years later? Why did my mom have two kids and what did she do to get through the days of tantrums and accidents? I don't remember being difficult, but I know that I was just as guilty as my brother in provoking bickering.
Am I acting maternal right now so I can give to others' kids or is it all to benefit those of my own some day? I don't know the answer, and it's sometimes hard to be patient in the meantime trying to figure it all out, not knowing if "Meg, you will make a great mom someday."