On the eve of 27

I feel more loved than I would have ever imagined, from the woods in the middle of nowhere. After having an eight-year-old throwing up with me most of last night, I did not want to wake up this morning and face the fact that I would be in the woods for my birthday the next day.

Something about today changed all of that and now I'm okay about tomorrow. It was the mysterious package at my dinner table from "my friends in SF" who made me feel so loved, complete with coconut water, seaweed, peanut butter eggs, dried bananas, and gummies. Barclay, I have a feeling that you had something to do with it! I started looking through the photographs in the package, wondering why there were photos that I didn't recognize the people in them in there. With a bunch of eight-year-olds swarming me, I came to realize that the photos might not be from people I know, but that they each had a note on the back from some of my life's most important people that brought me to tears. Even people from Africa and Pennsylvania. People who know me so well that they know what to do to make me feel less lonely this week, when I was scared of feeling abandoned and unnoticed.

Try explaining all of this to eight-year-olds as your eyes well up with tears- you tell them that you haven't spent your birthday without your friends in SF and then they get offended that they aren't your friends and aren't important to you. Which of course, you say, they are, but they aren't your same age. They will then say that teachers are your age, but you'll say it's different with these friends, not wanting to go into all of the details.

Thank you to those of you who put this together and shared your kind thoughts and words to a Ms. Frizzle in the gold country of the Sierra Nevadas on this eve before she turns 27. I'm eternally grateful...

Film fest

Here it is, my fourth! film festival since being in SF. Hard to believe that two years ago I saw 500 Days of Summer before it became big or witnessed American Teen with my friend Pryor that solidified my commitment to the big screen.

I picked the movies this year before I saw the members' preview. Knowing that was a gamble, I did it anyways, trusting my instincts, and they paid off. So far, I've loved all of the movies I've seen for different reasons:

The Whistleblower, for attacking the difficult topic of sex-trafficking

The Future, for the cat's narration and paws

Life, Above All, for the realistic portrayal of AIDS in Africa

Page One: The New York Times, for showing the behind the scenes of a major journal

and tonight,

Terri with John C. Reilly in attendance, for demonstrating an understanding of the difficulties of teenhood

Today felt like one of those days where I wanted to crawl back into bed- from the minute I woke up and found out that my teaching credential status had been posted online (I'm credentialed! and passed PACT!), to getting anxious about parallel parking, to leaving messages for everyone I wanted to talk to. I woke up from my nap, showered, eager to go to the film festival and make the pilgrimage to the Sundance Kabuki once more. I wanted to enter another world, where I could feel like I had made it, where I could lose myself in a story line, and become surrounded with other cinephiles.

Two more to go- Incendies and American Teacher, to escape to before the festival is over.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Mumford and Sons. I've been thinking a lot about that line after I heard them perform live at Coachella in a crowd of 20,000 people, going ga-ga over the Irishmen. The song is "Awake my soul" and seems to me to connect a lot to what I've been thinking and feeling lately.

I've been working so hard at my job and giving my love to these kids, sometimes I feel to no avail. I'm wondering if I didn't do it, would it matter? Would the 13-year-olds that I mentor care if I stopped showing up

for them? I sometimes think that they just need a warm body in the room. But the reality of it all is that where I'm putting in the time, the efforts, making relationships, there I'm investing my life.

I'm listening to the kid who is acting out, I'm emailing a parent back about how to better serve the school community with an online lost-and-found system, and I'm working until 7 PM trying to create better learning environments.

But would I want it any other way right now? Sometimes I think that having another outlet would help for me to pour into, but I don't think so. I wouldn't have funny stories to tell at night to keep people laughing or be able to drink sparkling wine on a weeknight to recover from the day or perform science experiments where I'm throwing popcorn in the air, so that my kids can act as birds trying to catch insects.

Har har, har har, har har, har har.

Coming out on the other side

The camping trip with the first graders last week was a turning point for me. A turning point that after the trip, after spring break, it will almost be summer. Meaning that I will have made it through my first year teaching. Two grade-levels, an intense private school, tutoring and babysitting on top of it. That's just the negative: there is actually a lot of positive. A well-resourced school with intelligent, wonderful families who send their talented children to me, who will I believe change the course of the world someday. I want to jump up and down and scream at the top of my lungs, I'm so excited to have made it this far.

Spring break for me has been less than climactic after this shift. It's been getting things done that I normally don't get to do, spending time with people that I care about, and catching up on things that are on my "to-do" list. Figuring out jobs and what I'll be doing next year, as well as putting everything in God's control. Realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be the one who is making the choice.

I've started to exude this inner confidence and calm that is unlike me. But I think that going through this year has made me come to terms with owning my inner strength. I now take naps in the middle of the afternoon (because it's Lent, and I'm supposed to do something nice for myself each day). I laugh a lot, especially around six-year-olds who wear monkey pajamas and call me MEGGGIIIIIEEE. I knit. I can better pursue friendships. My mind turns to self-pity less often. One day soon I will start painting again.

P-A-C-T

I just submitted it and the weight has lifted. I'm about to burn it onto a CD and then this chapter of my life will be closed, or I hope. Earning a credential, though I want to minimize it, has been this incredible journey of making a decision about what I want to do as a profession, committing the time to pursuing it outside of my job, and having an amazing group of people in my cohort who are going through the same things I did. Who will talk to me for an hour when I just needed someone to tell me "Submit it" or who I can talk about charter schools with or who I can go to concerts on a weeknight with or who I can drink with on Friday night.

I'm scared about losing this group of people as much as I am about moving to New York this summer or submitting my report cards for my school administration to review. I have learned that we learn best from each other, which is what teaching should actually be about.

Avenue Q

I might just as well be Kate Monster.

She has big eyes, brown hair, and she's a monster kindergarten-assistant teacher who lives in a city and hasn't found love yet. Her mentor teacher is crazy and calls her one day to sub for the class, in which she hopes to implant progressive ideas into the defunct curriculum. When she finds a boy named Princeton to love, she is on the top of the world. Long story short, but Princeton breaks her heart and then begs for forgiveness by asking for money from everyone he knows in order to help Kate start her Monstersorri school.

So, I'm a muppet stereotype. We knew that all along.

Happy

There's this new documentary called Happy that hasn't even opened yet but it's been in my thoughts since I saw it last night. It talks about how 50% of our happiness is genetic, the other 10% comes from our circumstances, social status, etc., and the other 40% from the following 5 things:

1) Gratitude

2) Exercise/meditation

3) Being a part of a community

4) Giving back in some way, getting outside of yourself

5) Enjoying an activity such that you get into it- the "flow" and feeling like you are doing something worthwhile

I have all of those things and I find myself unhappy sometimes. I don't realize all of the good that I do have in my life, I don't realize how important it is to take a yoga class or meditate each day, how lucky I am to live where I live.