MANANANA

The Muppets have brought me back to this place of childhood curiosity this Thanksgiving break. I grew up with them, I pretend like I am them, I even dressed up like one of them for Halloween this year. The movie brought back this cast of characters that I felt like I knew already, even though I hadn't seen them in a while. They have grown, Animal has gone to Anger Management, Fozzie has tried gigs in Reno, and Miss Piggy went to Paris. One of my favorite parts of the movie is when Jason Segel tells his brother Walter, "Growing up is becoming who you want to be."

That's my theme right now. I'm growing up, becoming who I want to be. That means I've worked really hard on an apartment that I want to be the way it is and I have to say, a month later, I'm proud of how hard I've come solo, individually, independently (another line from the movie).

But I've also had a lot of help and I started to tear up during church today when Fred was talking about letting other people help us. My friends Stephan and Kimberly drove a Uhaul around with me one Saturday in search of furniture, my friend Shane filled my water cooler and helped me hang things that I couldn't reach, my friend Julie helped me get the lights on my tree, my friend Barclay went with me to the art store to get my last can of Malachite spray paint, the list goes on and on. This Thanksgiving, like the Muppets, I'm learning what it feels like to grow up but also to let other people help me along the way.

I'm not sure where to begin

The last few days, few months, year has been so full of change. Packing up my apartment, ie throwing clothes in a pickup truck and transporting load after load across the panhandle, felt like a cathartic, scary change that had been brewing for a while.

It felt a lot like cleaning out my classroom at the end of last year and moving out of New York from the summer. And then starting over with a numbness that I can't explain because I can't even really process all that is happening. The realization won't start until you burst into tears, projecting onto your best friend after she is running late or breaking down in another teacher's room because you don't know how to teach fractions to fifth graders and you don't want to get yet another teaching credential to eventually have your own classroom.

You'll be sad for a little while, but then excited, because this is what you wanted- to grow, to flourish, to paint in a studio, to start at a school that values professional development, to get the dog that you've been wanting for four years.

It's like riding your bike in the darkened panhandle at night, lights flashing leading the way, but unsure of the bumps in the road and the obstacles en route.

Cleaning out my inbox

It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and actually respond to non-urgent emails and organize my gmail. Usually I deal with email on a daily basis as-needed and it feels like a chore. I'm trying to see things in my life as opportunities, not things to check off the to-do list.

For the first time this weekend, in Napa with the YUTES of City Church, I started to feel like my mind was clear again. There was nothing pressing to do that I had to do that second, except be with kids and roast marshmallows with them, share my story and listen to theirs. It's been a long time coming- I can't remember being de-stressed in a really, really long time.

Maybe the first 6 weeks of school being over, relationships grieved and changing into hopeful new ones, and free time have all contributed. That, and pilates twice a week, happy hours during the week being re-instated, Sunday night dinners with friends that feel life-giving, and reading books again for fun, not for academic purposes. I highly recommend Tales of the City if you have ever lived in San Francisco.

There will be times when I won't be able to get the negativity out of my head or the fact that I haven't gotten a dog yet or been as productive as I had hoped on a rainy day will get me down.

But there will also be sunny days, when the blue angels will fly in a heart above your school as you are watching the kids at the end of the day before a three-day weekend, when you will believe in God, His provision, and be able to trust in it.

You teach what you are

is what I heard tonight at a panel, sponsored by the school district that I work for, promoting arts and education, even in these troubled times. I was inspired again today- and I feel like it's been a while. I've started to become routined into the daily grind, thinking about where I have to go more than the things that I will encounter on my way there. There will be the kid in my class with autism who yells out "Hot wings!" in the middle of a writing lesson, completely unrelated, and I will try not to laugh. The autistic kindergardener who I spend the afternoon with will finally start to learn that he can't break down when his pup-pup or stuffed animal is taken away. I have to see the little things- in a new school, overwhelmed by a new school year, instead of trying to impress everyone all of the time and have everything figured out right now. I need to teach what I am- that is, someone who crashes their bike on the sidewalk, wears a toy watch, and always smiles. Another thing I learned tonight- "The greatest ill in the world is self-hatred."

I climbed all of the hills on the way home today

on my white Public bike. It was a cathartic moment at sunset, as Back-to-School night and my last summer paper are behind me.

I'm starting to come into my own at my new school, trying to enjoy something being new and unknown.

It's almost September and August has felt like a long month, with my head spinning from the excitement of transitions and the newness of it all.

You can do anything

Gem Renrag, my roommate Caitlin said to me, as I ended a relationship and moved tons of books yet again into storage.

You can start over at a new school. You can come back to an old apartment and not get stuck in your old ways. You can still be yourself, but cry because you are sad. Or smile because you are happy. You can take days to unpack and still not get started on your last paper that you have to complete this summer. You can struggle riding a new bike and start looking for a dog that you've wanted the last four years.

Back to SF and still trying to figure out what's changed within me and the city around me these past 2 months.

27 things learned about myself while in NYC this summer

This summer was one where I was stretched and challenged, beaten down and built up, hot and sweaty, then freezing cold from A/C seconds later.

I rediscovered myself artistically, by failing first and then attempting to transcend my failures. Here goes, 6 weeks encapsulated in 27 digits.

1) My screenprinting teacher told me I'm leaning towards fabric design with my prints.

2) Leaving a place and coming back makes your realize how much you loved it in the first place.

3) Relationships where it's hard to communicate are impossible to maintain.

4) I want to illustrate a children's book one day.

5) I'm inspired by being around other people like myself- teachers who love art and of 8 in my cohort, 3 are vegetarians.

6) I need Christian insight in my life in order to believe what I know to be true.

7) Sufjan and I aren't meant to be at this time (doesn't mean ever).

8) Watermelon pink beaded bridesmaid dresses photograph really well.

9) Crying before a wedding because you burnt your eye on a curling iron doesn't mean that it was just the curling iron that hurt.

10) Getting to see the homes where your friends from SF, who are like family, live is like getting a glimpse into their soul.

11) People in the South are the most skilled in their hospitality.

12) New Yorkers have a harsh exterior, but are often times kind and sensitive at heart.

13) Ivy League schools try to make you think that you won't be able to make it through the semester, only to make you doubt yourself and then realize that you were always going to be able to succeed all along.

14) Blue Bottle tastes better in San Francisco.

15) The East Village is more alive at night than the Upper West side.

16) Seeing familiar faces in an unknown city will always make you feel more at home.

17) Sleep in a city will always be hard, thus why you will need 12 hours or more at night for weeks after.

18) You never realize how people will be coming back into your lives, weaving their own stories in and out of your own.

19) Weddings are an incredible way to celebrate with friends, but something I'm not yet ready for myself.

20) Having quiet time before starting the day will inevitably make a city experience somehow more peaceful.

21) I will always have more at the end than when I started- aka 70+ pounds more.

22) When times get tough, go to F.A.O. Schwartz, and build your own muppet puppet that looks like the female version of animal.

23) Wear comfortable shoes or just keep buying sandals because your legs will be sore everyday from the city walking in different places.

24) Look back over your photographs at the end with a friend, so that you realize how much you actually accomplished in a relatively short period of time.

25) Bring friends together from all parts of your life, at a Sufjan Stevens concert or a Sicilian meal in the East Village.

26) Somehow, all of your worries will be solved in ways that you never even imagined that they would be.

27) Let your friends give out your phone number at weddings, because you have a hard time doing it yourself.